Some people would say that dating is sort of an art. Something akin to drawing or painting, where some artists are lucky enough to get it right the first time they draw or paint or others whom it takes more than a few tries to reach that perfection. Finding your better half is like choosing the masterpiece out of all the ordinaries that you have ever created in your life. It will beguile you, it will astonish you, it will make you happy and it will make you brood, but at the end of the day you’ll go to bed with a sense of satisfaction and a smile on your face. Choosing your life partner is as complicated as painting the master piece every artist craves to create. It requires patience, understanding and knowing your own self. If you don’t know your own self it will be hard for you to identify whose right for you. Furthermore it will be even harder for you to carry out the relationship itself. You don’t need to be just an artist to be able to relate to this, you could be a mathematician trying to find the right digit or an astronaut that wants to reach the stars and claim the moon for their own. Here are some tips you may need to choose the right partner:
1- Taking it for a spin:
This is where you give dating a chance. Don’t ignore your primal urges to get to know who catches your eye. Confidence is key. Man or Woman, your gender doesn’t need to decide who needs to take the first step towards the other. Your gender also doesn’t need to become the basis of who gets to ask the other person on a second date, if you like them and they are up for grabs, don’t lose that chance. Another reason you should give dating a chance is because it will help you explore the types you wouldn’t normally find yourself dating. Looking outside of your specific mind map might just help you connect with someone better, someone you might not have expected to connect with but ended up connecting with anyway.
2- Serving self-growth for two:
There isn’t a right age for a person to reach a full level of maturity, nor does one need to achieve that level in order to be involved with someone. This is probably the most vulnerable phase of your life and a phase during which you would prefer someone to be with you and help you grow, emotionally and mentally, and maybe grow more themselves in the process. Growing with each other will also help you realize the baggage you both carry and the need to distribute its weight. Not only does that person need to be interested in growing as an individual but as a life partner too.
3- Online dating isn’t as evil as it may seem:
It is time to remove the stigma attached to Online dating and giving it a go. In a study, conducted in 2009, research proved that more sociable people preferred online dating than the less sociable people. Online relationships have become an important romantic medium for many. Not only does it allow you to connect with people half way across the world, it also allows you to expand your searching rage to find ‘the one.’ For those who are apprehensive of adjoining in the physical aspect of a relationship and feel pressured, online dating would ensure that you develop an emotional connection with your partner and a level of comfort which would make it easier to present yourself to them in person.
4- Don’t give up if you can’t tick everything right on your list:
We all have a preference. Having a preference is a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we want, blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and muscular, intelligent with a sense of humor, we might as well be wishing for a unicorn because what we label as a perfect specimen might as well not exist. You might find someone with blue eyes and a sense of humor but they won’t be the smartest cookie in the jar, you might find someone who is tall and blonde but not muscular. The point is you won’t always be able to mark everything on your checklist, so don’t waste your life waiting for someone who meets every inch of your criteria, rather open your brain to new options or combinations.
5- Love yourself enough to be yourself:
Eating the food in a rather snipped and elegant manner on your first dates can be considered either as etiquette or discomfort. Rather than giving your potential partner the illusion of how you wouldn’t normally conduct yourself in a situation like this, be natural and let your true self shine through. Brush the insecurities away and see the person embrace the raw and honest form of you. The experience will make you feel liberated and help you learn to love yourself enough to be yourself on occasions such as this. Sure you can wear a new shirt or curl your hair, but don’t alter your personality because lets be real you would need to drop the façade at some point in your life. Relationships should be a safe place for you, not a place for you to wear a mask at.
6- Identifying Lust and Love:
This is a very common mistake we see a lot of people make in their day to day life. It’s called mistaking lust for love. That magnetic feeling. Intense sexual passion for someone is known to obliterate any form of common sense from an individual’s brain, fueled by idealization and projection. When you ‘lust’ someone you want nothing but physical relationship with them, but when you ‘love’ someone you want an emotional, mental and physical connection with them. Dr. Judith O has given a list of indicators that distinguishes the difference between lust and love. You know its lust when: ‘You are lovers, not friends. You would rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level and not discuss actual feelings.’ You know its love when: ‘You want to spend quality time together instead of just indulging in the physical aspect of the relationship. When the other person motivates you to be a better person. You get lost in conversations with each other without realizing hours have gone by.’ Using these indicators can help you choose the right partner for yourself. Choosing partner on the basis of love rather than love is a good step. Hence identifying the difference between lust and love is even more important.
7- Foundation of a good partner:
You need to find a person who has a strong sense of integrity. This will help you realize whose in for the long run and who isn’t. This person needs to be honest with themself and honest to the people around him, especially you. If you can’t trust them the relationship will not go far, let alone for life. You need to be able to identify who is right for you, who is honest with you, who is in the relationship for the same reasons as you are. A person who is open about their needs, wants and feelings. Does he/she want children? Do you? If their answer is no and yours is yes then you clearly have a problem. Don’t jump into something where the distance is too great to overcome.
8- Stronger than any internet:
This is where you need to form a connection with your partner. A connection is a valuable source in every relationship. If you are unable to form one with the person you are dating, it’s a given possibility that they aren’t going to be the right person for you. This connection entails having an emotional connection, as well as a mental one. This is where you both understand each other and the reasons behind your actions can be determined by the other without any form of verbal dialect. This connection should go both ways. You need to understand them as much as they understand you. If you both can form this connection it will eventually grow more and more. This will become an important milestone in your relationship. The pillar on top of your foundation.
9- The yin to your yang:
There is a reason behind that saying. When you and your partner have different personalities, you open yourself up to a different perspective of life. Your partner can fill in all the holes in your life you haven’t been able to. For example, if you are irresponsible or immature, whereas your partner is mature and responsible, it would create a harmonious albeit a bit high pitched balance between you too. Sure you get along great with someone who shares all the same interests and personality with you, but how long will that last? How will it help in your self-growth? How long will it stop you from losing interest in the relationship altogether? You need to be open to letting someone bring something different to the table. Not only will it teach you something new in life, it will also help make your interesting and lively. Where is all the fun in the relationship if you both cannot argue if you’ll be having steak or Chinese for dinner that night? Agreeing with each other all the time can become rather boring in life.
10- The 90 day rule:
You obviously can’t jump into a committed relationship right off the bat. You need to give yourself and the other person time to get to know each other. Getting emotionally invested in someone requires time, you need to analyze if it is going to work or not before pouring all the pent up feelings out. It will save you from the unnecessary heartbreak. The early recesses of your relationship or what is known as the ‘honeymoon stage’ isn’t always the best time to make a commitment. Give yourself time to think clearly, a time when you aren’t stuck in a pseudo fantasy where everything is unicorns and rainbows. Another reason the 90 day rule is useful is because you might be interested in the relationship but the potential partner is taking time to invest themselves or show interest of any sort to indicate they want to take it further. This is important because they might be interested but feel uncomfortable unravelling in front of a stranger they have developed an interest in. During these days the patterns of your interactions will start taking form and will help you acknowledge if the relationship should go any further.
11- Identify what’s toxic and what’s not:
Never mistake obsession for affection or even love. Cat and mouse games, pushing and pulling, those aren’t good for you. You need to be able to identify who genuinely wants to take care of you or wants to play with you. If you invest yourself too much in the wrong person, it will kill your chances of finding the right one. Don’t indulge people who treat you nice one second and not so good the next. Those people have a red flag painted on their forehead. If you get trapped into one of those it is going to be a never ending circle you never signed up for.
12 – Enjoying the ride:
Don’t let the stress of finding the right person overpower you. Have fun on this road to discovery of the light of your life. Have fun so you can look back at this journey not with regret but with love and affection. Something to look back at with fondness in your eyes and smile lines that adorn your face.